Noisy brain.

If you ever come on a tour of our studio/house, you'll visit a small, sunlit room in the front of the house. A palace by NYC standards, my palace. If CW is giving the tour, with a loving smile he'll say, this is Taylor's studio, we used to share it but then she kicked me out. And I'll say, also with a loving smile, yes, after our second kid was born I kicked him out.

A lot of people wonder what it's like for me and CW to be both life + work partners. Over the years, we've seen our relationship evolve and we expect that to continue. Every so often, something comes up/shifts and gives us an opportunity to look back on things with more context and clarity.

Last week, during a spirited (me and cw were arguing about something I don't remember what) video call with our good friend Tom, who co-runs Studio Neat, Tom told us we should take a listen to a couple of audio book / self-helpy seminars by Alison Armstrong, a woman who studies men and women and relationships. Tom is a very focussed and rational person who we love, and we take his opinions with respect and seriousness.

It's a bit embarrassing to even share that we spent time on this this week, but both of us did. We even paid for an audible subscription because it was the only way. We listened to both the The Amazing Development of Men and Understanding Women. And even though lot of Armstrong's ideas had me thinking...is she f&**%$ing serious>??, a lot had me laughing. Laughing because it felt true, true in that uncomfortable way that is funny.

We smile about my private studio now, but it was a thing back in the day. And even though CW was really cool about relinquishing the space, he actually was confused and hurt and probably pissed. For me, advocating for the space made me feel self-conscious and spoiled. At the time I couldn't explain why, but it was a non-negotiable necessity.

I remember a moment early in our relationship, we had just finished ITP, and were overflowing with ideas and thoughts about our creative practices. The two of us were walking in SOHO, and I shared with CW something I noticed, that being with him made it really hard for me to think.

I was upset and annoyed, because above most things, I value my ability to think. And I noticed this change in my brain when I was with him. Objectively I knew he was happy, and I was not responsible for his needs. But even so, when I was with him, my brain had a constant noisy overlay of thoughts concerning his wellbeing and his happiness with me.

At the time I wondered if he had that same experience, and he did not. I shared that even though I know this noise is not useful or necessary, I can't make it stop.

I'm not sure gender is the most useful guide, or whether this holds any physiological truth. But Armstrong talks about the noisiness of a woman's brain and how in contrast to men, whose brains are conditioned for single-focus, goal oriented tasks, women are primed for "diffuse-awareness". Because a woman's body is weaker, they are primed to be constantly taking in and processing details about our environments to ensure safety and well-being. Our default state is distracted. Or taking in details and cues about every minutia in our environment. And when there are men around, who were historically our protectors, a focus is to please them so they protect us. Hearing this, whether or not it is true, was helpful. Even if it is just to know I'm not the only one with this experience. As a young person in a relationship, I thought something was wrong with me. And I know this is probably not a woman only thing, men for sure have this noise too.

The ability to focus and think is a cherished thing. One that everyone arrives at under different conditions and with different levels of ease. Armstrong's point, which I think was a good one, was if you don't know about this noise, it might be useful to know that someone you love might.

As I've grown older, I still can't make the noise stop. I accept that there are times when I can think, and times when I can't. The noise today is more associated with our kids, than with CW (as it goes). And I've become less stressed by it as an occupier of my brain. Maybe this ease comes with surrender. Or maybe it is the immediacy of having young kids, who are actually noisy and have real needs that I'm doing my best to fulfill.

Today, if I want to find my quiet brain I know I can. And the chance is good that it's going to happen in my tiny studio at the front of our house.

In other news.

CW was away all week in Boston working with Aurelia Institute assembling an eventually self-assembling space habitat. I missed him. We have heat in the annex. Our children now own two terrifying nerf guns. We finally got (only 22) Matte Titanium Pen Type-B back in stock. More of all of them next week. Cocojune is pretty good vegan yogurt, the rest are pretty gross.